I took the subway to 59th Street, something I have done countless times, but the stairway nearest my car was boarded up and I turned left on the platform and walked up a different set of stairs and followed the signs toward the EXIT and somehow ended up walking along a platform I don’t think I’ve ever walked along before, and I turned a corner and instead of the EXIT was more platform and I kept walking until I came to a turnstyle and exited up somewhere on Broadway and even though I quickly realized I was standing near the Starbucks on 60th Street I had a brief moment of total unfamiliarity, which in a place that has come to feel very familiar - sometimes distractingly so - was slightly jarring.
A while back I contemplated adding the following to My List (that list we all have of things we mean to do): walk along every block in Manhattan. There are far too many blocks north of 86th Street for me to have taken that task on in force, but the idea came to me as I was somewhere in the west 20’s, on a block that appeared to be part of the (unknown to me) Fur District (if there is such a thing, that is) and I thought, I don’t think I’ve ever been on this block before. Which made me realize how many blocks I have been on, over and over again, and how (here’s this word again) familiar the city had become.
I asked someone on Saturday night - someone born and raised in New York City - at what point he considered a person a New Yorker, whether it was tenure or attitude, and I guess what the aforementioned sense of familiarity stirs in me is the sense that I am a New Yorker, despite never once having ordered a piece of pizza by calling it a slice or having ever visited Coney Island or having any idea what whitefish salad might be. When streets become so familiar as to reach near invisibility, when your sense memory steers you places without having to glance at landmarks, when New Year’s Eve means you stand with friends and struggle to remember the decade-worth of New Year’s Eves you have spent with them in New York, I guess at that point you are a New Yorker.
Which, of course, starts the mind spinning and wondering what else is out there, where else you might lay claim, which cities are begging to be memorized.
From 60th and Broadway, by the way, I quickly oriented myself and headed towards Whole Foods where I promptly knocked into a display of Fizzy Lizzy soda, sending a six-pack of tangerine flavor to the floor in an especially noisy and messy manner. At which point I was oh so very glad for the moderate anonymity afforded by this city; being a New Yorker means always being able to get lost in a crowd.
January 5th, 2009
I’m a fan of symmetry and symbolism wherever I can find them, and so it’s nearly impossible for me not to bookend this year with a reflection on holidays then and now. ‘Then’ was rough. ‘Now’ is better. If you’ve spent any more than five minutes with me in the past year, you can see that.
‘Now’ had it’s own set of struggles, though. I got what I wanted: a small, intimate, cozy holiday with no pressure, no negotiations, and most importantly: no airports. But I woke up on Christmas morning and said, I need to go find some Christmas Cheer…
D. went out to get us coffee while I toasted bagels and set out brunch for us. I think I got a little Christmas Cheer at the deli, he said when he returned. I perked up. The guy at Andy’s Deli wished me Happy Christmas, he said. Aw, Cheer! I answered.
Christmas in New York is pretty fantastic. I’ve been here for silent, snowy holidays but what I like best about being in the city for Christmas is that it continues to bustle. People visit, people celebrate, people take advantage of a day off even if for a holiday they don’t experience first hand. Let’s take the dog for a walk in the park, I said, I bet we can find some Cheer there…
It was clear and crisp on Christmas Day; the snow we had received earlier in the week had melted a bit, been refrozen, melted a little more and was left in slushy piles dotting the trails and lawns. People were everywhere. I want to see a little kid learning to ride a new Christmas bike, I announced. You live in New York City, not California, D. reminded me. KIDS STILL GET BIKES! I insisted, I’m looking for a kid with a new bike, and some Christmas cheer…
North of the Great Lawn we spied a toddler posing for photos with a wooden mini-bicycle. OOOH! I said, A kid with a bike, and even better, it’s an OLD-TIME-Y TOY! That COUNTS! I said happily. Cheer!
We continued walking through the park, crossed over to the east side and headed north with the apartment buildings of upper Fifth Avenue casting shadows over us. D. took the leash and guiding the dog around the crowds. We walked a bit longer, then headed back to our side of the park. The dog collapsed happily on the floor and we watched snippets of movies before I headed home to start dinner. I opened a bottle of Champagne that had been in my fridge for months - that had made the move from Brooklyn, actually, and we finished the bottle, cleaned up the dishes, went out for a walk.
There’s not really much Christmas Cheer at this time of night, I said as we passed parents lugging gift bags and tired children out of cars and into lobbies, It’s mostly just Christmas Leftovers.
Back in my little apartment, I told D., This was a nice Christmas.
December 27th, 2008
One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do was admit that my marriage was over; admitting it to me was hard, admitting it to everyone else was even harder. Admitting it to the Internet was hard, too. I started writing online as a newlywed and over the past five years aired enough of my dirty laundry to be somewhat afraid of the Told You So crowd. But in my personal life and my online life, I’ve been lucky, as friends and strangers both have allowed me to fail – which is what ending my marriage felt like – and start over. And for that I am grateful.
Splitting up turned out to be less traumatic than making the decision to split, in the end. I remember distinctly sitting across from Kevin last Thanksgiving (we were at Knife & Fork, on East 4th Street), drinking an expensive bottle of wine and making painful banter as the rain fell outside, as we watched other families and groups of friends sit down to eat, as we both talked about the food when really all I wanted to say was WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING? We took separate cabs to the separate apartments we were living in at the time and I felt completely…bereft, I think is the word. But we got through those dark, cold months and I’m proud of the manner in which Kevin and I split, and I feel lucky that he and I are both in one another’s lives still, that we honestly and sincerely wish each other happiness, that we still look out for one another. And for that I am grateful.
I spent the first half of 2008 doubting whether I’d ever be in a relationship again, and questioning whether or not I even wanted to. I met someone this summer, though, and things are good. Things are very, very good, and while I’m not sure I want to claim publicly there were fireworks, there was a light bulb as I had the realization that, Oh, so this is what people have been talking about, so this is what it feels like when things are right, this is the real deal. And my ex-husband knows about my new relationship and is happy for me, just as I will be for him when he has that same ‘Oh, Now I Get It’ moment. And my family knows, and my friends know, and most importantly, I know. Things are good. And for that I am grateful.
I’ve been hesitant to mention the new relationship on the Internet; it wasn’t all that long ago that I was writing about being married, and we all know how that turned out. By the time I write about aspects of my life, I’ve more or less dealt with them so there is a built-in time delay between my life and my life as the Internet may perceive it, and I have had some trepidation over revealing the new relationship on account of fears that people may turn on me, all BRAZEN HUSSY DIDN’T YOU JUST LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND HOW DARE YOU HAVE A BOYFRIEND AND BE ALL HAPPY; SAD SAD SAD YOU SHOULD STILL BE SAD. But beyond that, I don’t need to share everything. It’s nothing personal, but I’ve revealed a lot in the past and keeping this private has been both a relief and a treat. I know that things may fall apart; it happens. But right now I’m enjoying new love, and I’m enjoying keeping it a little bit to myself. I’m more interested in living my life than writing about it these days, and for that I am grateful.
I received a domain renewal notice for this site the other day and to be completely honest, I am torn about what to do. I’ve loved having this site and I’ve loved the opportunity to lay it all out there and I’ve loved the connections I’ve made and the people I’ve met and I’ve loved the chance to develop a voice and to work through my shit in a way that comes as close to therapy as anything I can imagine myself doing. But I think I might be done. I hate the oh-so-dramatic “I’M GOING ON BLOG HIATUS” posts which bother me for the same reason that I feel like I might be done with this whole blogging thing: get over yourself. Still, this site and this space and the people who have read and emailed me mean something, mean a lot. Really. And for that I am grateful.
I’m in a good place right now. And I am so very grateful.
November 24th, 2008
I was in a sorority in college, something that may have surprised people with whom I went to high school and potentially continues to surprise people I meet in my grown-up life (although I’ve adopted the “Nothing Surprises Me” stance with most of the people I meet in the here and now; a lot of shit has gone down in the past and I can’t remember the last time someone actually shocked me with a revelation — sexuality, drugs, crime, obesity, whetevs, bring it on), and even more than both of those was sort of surprising to me, but Yep, I was a sorority girl. And I liked it.
My sorority experience was nothing like the movies. No one was mean to me. No one asked about my parents’ income. No one cared that I was paying for college with a motley assortment of grants and loans. We carried backpacks and wore faded jeans and Jack Purcell sneakers. There was limited puffy paint, scant eating disorders, and relatively little drama (I mean, college-aged girls are Drama, almost by definition, but living in the sorority house was far less drama-filled than any dorm I’ve ever visited). It wasn’t terrible.
A friend and I were talking about college recently - he was in a fraternity - and in comparing our college stories I found myself both marveling at how very tame I was in comparison to him (Drugs weren’t really that big a part of my college experience, I told him. I cannot express strongly enough how much they were a part of mine, he said.), and doing something I pretty much swore I would never do, not past the age of 21, not in my 30’s, not 3000 miles and a million years from my last Rush Week: comparing houses.
The best sororities at UCLA were Theta, Kappa, DG, Tri Delt and Pi Phi, he told me. It was pretty much the same at Davis, I said. The best frats were SAE, Sigma Nu and Beta, he told me. I remember Pike, Kappa Sig and Theta Chi being pretty good at Davis, I said.
And as ridiculous as it is to take a step THAT far back, it was a very easy step to take. “Chi O’s were whores,” came flowing out of both our mouths all too easily, whether or not it was true. (And of course it wasn’t true.)
My friend married a Theta, he told me. Oh, I said, as if it somehow mattered, as if I would have known her, someone who attended a different college than me, while I was still in junior high, simply because we pledged the same sorority.
He told me about his house’s annual party that involved strippers, cocaine, free trips to Vegas, houses in the hills, girls’ night and guys’ night and date night and more strippers, coke, booze. Um, I said. I told him that I appreciate the social aspect of having been in a sorority, that I do have lasting connections, that all the dopey Rush forced chit-chat pays off when circulating at dull corporate events.
Which is true; I am glad I was in a sorority and I have friendships that came from the experience and I enjoyed it without ever getting particularly evangelical about Greek Life and while UC Davis is admittedly not the same Greek experience as University of Georgia or USC or Tulane, I liked being a part of something with history to it, something with a built-in community, and I liked the people I met. I get frustrated when I encounter anti-Greek sentiment in my adult life, and I say that as the least Rah Rah Woo Woo type girl ever. Hating on the sororities and fraternities is no different than hating on anyone, or of being hated on, which is to say, It’s not for everyone, but Big Whoop. Join, don’t join, scoff, don’t scoff…as far as I can tell we all pretty much end up at the same place regardless which path we take, and the road we use to get here shouldn’t really be up for judgment. (Which is not to say I condone things like: date rape, binge drinking, skanky topless goings-on, Mean Girls, lip sync contests, hazing or Pajama Jams; I just don’t hold the Greek system accountable for all things Awful that come out of college.)
I don’t really define myself by having been in a sorority; you could meet me and have several conversations with me and have no idea I ever wore Greek letters across my chest, but the fact is, I was, and however brief the experience, it’s still with me, and I’m glad. Which is painfully uncool to admit, because we’re supposed to be aloof and snarky and hipster and alternative and actually LIKING something, liking people, enjoying twee girly activities fits with none of that.
But step off haters, everyone loves a good Mock Rock.
November 12th, 2008
I hailed a cab on the corner of 33rd Street and Ninth Avenue. 85th and Fifth, I told him.
Oh, so you’re going to the country, he said.
Basically, I answered.
A block later the cab driver said, I’m thinking about retiring next year, one more year of sitting in the cab and then I’m going to retire, what do you think?
I told him if he could, he should.
Look at my face, he said as he turned to face me, Look at my 62-year old face, don’t you think I should retire?
I think you should do what will make you happy, I told him.
I have a friend, he said, Me and my friend we’re both going to retire next year, I don’t know what we’re going to do but I think it’s time. I used to be married, my kids are grown but I’m divorced now so it’s easier for me, I can do whatever I want…
I nodded, told him I knew a little bit about that. I used to be married, I said.
Who would leave you? he asked me.
I shook my head. It was mutual, I said.
So now you’re alone? he asked me.
Now I’m happy, I answered, We knew we weren’t meant to be married and we’re both happier now.
He told me that he has been dating a woman for five weeks and that it’s happening fast, that they feel like 20-year olds, that they keep saying to one another, Is this real?
I think that’s how it’s supposed to be, I told him, When you know, you know…
He told me about his brother who’s been married for 35 years to the love of his life. They have a perfect marriage, he said. I told him no marriage is perfect, but that if you’re lucky you can find your perfect match.
Tenth Avenue turned into Amsterdam and he told me that as he came into the city that morning at 5:30 to start his shift, he saw people lined up at polling places. I truly belive tonight Mr. Obama will make history, he told me. He said that the city felt different already to him.
We cut through the park. The leaves are all turning and I stared out the window, admiring. I hopped out of the cab on the corner of 84th, across from the museum. Have a good night, I told the cab driver, then walked towards Madison, up to 85th Street.
November 5th, 2008
So like many of you, I watched the Obama Infomercial Wednesday night. Dude, it gave me anxiety.
I’m going to vote for Obama next week. I grew up believing very much in the idea that every vote is both sacred and private so I’ve never been one to either ask or announce political leanings, but I’ve also never made much of a secret where my own vote laid. And while I have not necessarily fallen in love with him as a candidate, Obama has my vote.
Which means his infomercial may not have been directed at me, but I watched it nonetheless and I’m telling you, it made me deeply uncomfortable. I realize it’s nearly impossible to run for office in the United States without capitalizing on the notion - however deferred - of the American Dream, but so much of the campaign rhetoric leaves me feeling both marginalized and overlooked that I start to wonder when and how the American Dream became so narrowly defined, came to mean so few things. All across the United States there are families struggling to make ends meet, pay a mortgage, hold down a job, hold down two jobs, find a job, feed their children, secure a better future for their children then what they inherited, to provide, to maintain, to get ahead. I’m not naive, I know this, I was raised in one of those families. But that’s not necessarily my reality – let alone my dream - any more, or my struggle and watching the 30-minute spot made me wonder where I fit in, exactly. And beyond all that, do I want to fit in? Because I’m not so sure I believe in that American Dream, in the notion that we’re entitled to the house, the car, the whole shiny package.
I don’t have a house. I don’t have a spouse. I don’t have children. I don’t know if I’ll ever have those things. I don’t even know to what degree I want all those things. And as heart-wrenching as all the human interest stories are - and they will wrench your hearts: did you see the segment with the 72-year old retiree going to work at Wal-Mart in order to help pay for his wife’s prescriptions? - they speak to a notion that slips through my hands every time I try to grab on and understand it: Real Americans.
The coasts and the cities and the singles and the childless get left out of all those Amber Waves of Grain political videos, don’t they? Maybe that makes me sound like an out-of-touch spoiled urban snob, but I find it frustrating to be sold the idea that Marriage-House-Kids-College-Retirement is the dream I should be pursuing.
I don’t know what dreams I’m pursuing, and I realize that my single, childless status gives me a fair amount of freedom to pursue (or not pursue) whatever the eff I want, and I also realize that my financial struggles (because Fuck It Year travels aside, I do budget, I worry, I fret, I save, I pay bills, I eat leftovers) are not significant compared to many. But I’m as real an American as any, and I want a piece of our collective future, I want my vote to provide social services for people who need it and I want my vote to provide financial assistance for people who need it and I want my vote to secure the future - my future - even though I don’t know what that future will look like.
But I want reciprocity, I want to feel validated and I want to feel as if all the other lifestyles my fellow Americans are leading are both acknowledged and validated, I want to broaden the America Dream to include all our dreams - albeit tempered with some reality - and I want to feel as if it’s possible to be vested in our collective future in ways other than through our children because there are both options and obstacles that keep many of us from becoming parents but none of those options or obstacles should keep us from being a part of the bigger story.
But aside from all that, I had a hard time watching the infomercial because of the Well, DUR factor. Well, DUR shit needs to be fixed. Well, DUR health care is broken. Well, DUR jobs are disappearing. WELL DUR PLEASE TELL ME HOW A TAX CREDIT WILL FIX ALL OF THIS, please tell me - without any of the romance or rhetoric - how exactly health care and social security are going to get better without an especially sour dose of medicine that a lot of “real Americans” may not want to take? I am willing to sacrifice for our future but are people willing to accept the potentially bumpy road we may have to take to get there? Maybe it’s easier for me to roll my eyes at the glossy campaign videos because I’m not trying to feed a family, but WELL DUR, now stop using the babies and the old people and just lay it out for me: What’s it gonna take?
Maybe I’m just a whiny Child Free Baby Hater, but Dude, that infomercial gave me anxiety.
October 30th, 2008
What are you going to do in Barcelona? people asked me. I dunno, I said.
What are you going to see in Barcelona? people asked me. I dunno, I said.
And I didn’t. I made not a single plan, bought not a single book, looked at not one map before coming here. I boarded the plane with a copy of October Vogue and a list of restaurants scribbled on the back of my flight itinerary. We made it to one of them. It was great.
I’m usually a planner. I usually have at least an idea of what I want to see, taste, climb, explore. Not this time. This time I shrugged my shoulders and said, I dunno, figured things would work themselves out.
They did.
I’ve eaten and eaten and eaten and had a lot of beer and a lot of wine and walked all over and went to a soccer game and climbed at least two (albeit minor) mountains and I’ve barely kept track of the time and I got sunburned and then had some more drinks. I saw the Mediterranean and took silly pictures and got lost more than once and cared not at all.
I’ve gone in a few churches, fewer still museums, walked through parks and sat by the water. It’s been a great five days.
My Fuck It Year is winding down and I’ve definitely spoiled myself with travel, which feels both indulgent and slightly irresponsible but you know what? Fuck it. It’s been fun, and it’s been a big year for me, and I am enjoying myself in a way I didn’t imagine possible. Living alone has taught me a lot about myself. Traveling has taught me about myself. New friendships, the loss of old ones, the beginning and endings that this year has brought me have all taught me immeasurable things about myself and to me, that justifies the airfare, the time off, all of it. Because Fuck It, I needed this.
It’s been liberating. I feel liberated.
October 27th, 2008
I’m off to Barcelona tomorrow night. I’m very excited. Take care kiddies!
October 21st, 2008
In 1999 I was invited to a Halloween party hosted by a co-worker. The theme was Twentieth Century, and I spent weeks brainstorming the perfect costume to represent the Twentieth Century. And got nowhere. Suggestions included: a television, a computer, the human genome, a Jackson Pollock painting, and Scully & Mulder (because I was at the time part of a couple, and also a fan of David Duchovny). In the end, my then-boyfriend dressed as Clark Kent (which is maybe the easiest costume for men to execute, ever, and it is timeless and affordable as well as iconic so please! Dress your men as Clark Kent!) and I shrugged my shoulders, admitted defeat and climbed the stairs to that small apartment on West 15th Street in an orange mini-dress.
I am bad at Halloween.
(I mean, seriously. A hippie. Rosie the Riveter. A friggen FLAPPER. How hard would that have been?)
And what’s worse is that not only am I bad at Halloween, I have a total blind spot for the entire holiday, meaning that every single year I notice clever costumes and immediately forget them. And then, 364 days later end up trying to cobble together a costumed-approximation of “My Dog Tuesday” which breaks the first rule of Halloween Costumes: If you have to explain it, it’s a bad costume.
In college I dressed as a giant candy corn, just to give you an idea of what we’re working with when I tell you, I am bad at Halloween.
My friend love Halloween. My friends dress up on Halloween. My friends dress up IN THEMES with one another, even. And while they are tossing around ideas and ordering skimpy outfits I inevitably remember that Judy Blume book Flubber, in which the main character dressed up as a fried egg for Halloween and her best friend went as Big Bird, and I think, HA! A Fried Egg!
The candy corn thing is probably less than surprising, no?
I don’t have Halloween plans yet this year, or rather, I don’t have an itinerary for Halloween (weekend! It’s two nights this year! MADNESS!) as I know pretty much where I will be and with whom, but around this time each year - two weeks out - I start to worry that I will end up needing a costume, completely last minute, and will end up wandering the aisles of TJ Maxx at 5pm on October 31st trying to find cheap brown suede separates than could be somehow made into “Pocahontas!”. Which is more or less how the ill-fated “Newsboy” costume of 2000 came to be. And we don’t want a repeat of that. Ever.
I don’t even like dressing up, but it vexes me that I cannot muster up even one measly costume that actually WORKS. So I’m turning it over to you - as a service really, because surely others struggle with this holiday, no? Internet, offer me your best costume suggestions. Have at it…
October 16th, 2008
I don’t know if I’ve turned curmudgeonly in my old age or if there simply are not any good movies anymore, but sitting in a theater for two or so hours has become increasingly hard for me to do. Worse, the very idea of sitting in a theater for two or so hours makes me feel jittery, what with all the ‘getting of the tickets’ and ‘choosing of the seats’ and then ‘watching all the pre-movie crap, including those Fandango commercials with the talking paper bags, and Really, WHO LAUGHS AT THEM? How can the humor in those commercials possibly strike anyone as fresh and new enough to elicit actual laughter?’ and basically what I’m trying to tell you is that Me and The Movies, we don’t hang out so much anymore.
I did go to the movies last week, however, or at least I tried to; we ended up leaving half an hour into the movie (and I won’t bother telling you which one because I’m sure plenty of people enjoyed it. People who are WRONG, but it’s a matter of personal preference so I’m staying mum) because it’s sometimes so hard to carve out a few hours of down time that I had no interest in wasting any of those hours sitting in the movie theater behind someone who fist-pumped into the air after the E*Trade commercial featuring the talking baby and repeatedly slammed her chair backwards into my knees during the movie.
See? CURMUDGEON!
The pre-movie time did allow my friend and I a few additions to a recent project of ours: The Unfuckable List. And I’m confident not much more explanation is needed; we just keep making note of those sometimes obscure, sometimes frighteningly-specific, sometimes obvious things which negate any and all sexual energy in another person. Things like laughing loudly at the Fandango commercial.
Inclusions on the list cover: grevious slang and/or grammar flubs, items being attached to one’s belt and/or beltloops, distractingly-bad table manners, the Lance Armstrong Livestrong bracelets, questionable footwear, the PT Cruiser, those loud, screechy WOO HOOs that some girls are wont to do, excessive high-fiving, stuffed animals, certain tattoos, blatant stupidity, and so on and so forth.
The thing is, for all of the admittedly petty inclusions on our list, there seems to be someone out there who is either not bothered and perhaps even enamored of that [dare I call it a] quality. I’ve never been an especially romantic person and haven’t really ever subscribed to the One Perfect Match notion, but the more we add to our list, the more we look around and see people happily partnered up, unfuckable traits and all, and the more I start to think, Maybe there really is someone for everyone.
It’s a nice thought, although the One Perfect Match brings up all sorts of ancillary anxiety basically having to do with Don’t Fuck It Up (Because He/She Is Your One). I suppose that OPM champions would point out that good relationships can’t actually be fucked up, but as I mentioned above, I don’t go to a lot of movies so am no longer that well versed in the Rom-Com lessons of love.
I do think, and have for a long time, that finding one’s people - or one’s tribe, as the lovely Blue Poppy once told me - is basically the point of it all (yes, I realize EVERYONE thinks this, I have rolled my eyes at movies touting this message, I am not pretending to be breaking ground here!). Find the people who get you, who understand your Crazy, who get your jokes, who make you laugh, who will play the same dumb games and add to your lists and be willing to walk out of the same movies because ordering a pizza and opening a bottle of red just seems so much better. I’m not always comfortable using the word Perfect, but sometimes things just are.
Which is a very mushy way to end a post that was basically about The Unfuckables.
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