I never really liked Jennifer Love Hewitt much, possibly because I thought Sara was too blah for Bailey, and possibly because I couldn’t stomach the way in which every article about her mentioned that she was called “Love” by her friends, but lately, for the most part, I’ve been ambivalent towards her. I think she is really pretty, I question why Hanes picked her to be in their ads, I think she has a cute smile and a pointy chin and shiny hair and beyond that, Whatevs. Until she was all, Yeah, so what if my ass isn’t perfect, I’m having a fine time and so should y’all, and then I fell in love with her, because I’m pretty sure she would be way more fun to have brunch with than any number of generic macrobiotic Hollywood bitches. She’d eat corned beef hash with poached eggs and have a Bloody Mary, I bet, and in case you were wondering, that is basically my perfect brunch meal, unless there happens to be an entire trough full of cinnamon rolls (sans icing), muffins, bagels, donuts and toast – lots and lots of toast – because I likes me some carbs in the a.m.
And now let me address my own ass and thighs: a friend at work keeps telling me that she’s jealous because I’ve been losing weight (not that much) and I recently ran into another friend who was all, You look really good…and both of those things are nice to hear, and I’m not going to lie and tell you that I’m not thrilled to have lost (a small amount of) weight, but weight and size – and the constant moderation thereof – have been such a part of my adult life that I feel strangely guilty over this recent weight loss (and again, NOT THAT MUCH, I’ve gone down a size, if that) because I haven’t been trying to lose weight; rather, I’ve just been really anxious, and I’ve been drinking less. So there is the secret: drink less, and go through a few shitty months. Thank you, I’ll take my Why Depressed Teetotalers Don’t Get Fat book deal advance now.
But seriously, I know logically that I’m not fat, and haven’t ever really been fat, yet losing weight and struggling to find pants that fit has made me OBSESSIVE over the size of my ass/hips/belly/thighs and I’ve caught myself staring at my rear in the mirror thinking WHY ARE YOU SO FLAT, even though I should know by now that THIS – straight up and down with nary a curve – is my body, for better or worse, through thick and thin. I will never be bootylicious. No one will ever look at my ass and want to tap it. Ever. (They will want to tap MY SOUL! They will want to bang MY INTELLECT senseless!)
I have no waist to speak of, my ass is flat, I am a B cup at best, I have thick legs and what can probably be considered cankles. My right knee turns in and my right foot turns out and my elbows are hyper-extended and bend too far. I have tiny earlobes and bony wrists and I wish my triceps and upper arms were smaller and more defined. I will never be described as gamine. Ever. I’m 5′9″ and unless I develop a life threatening illness, I will never be called frail or gaunt or lithe or delicate or tiny or waif-like, all things that I am ashamed to admit would make me really really happy. I’m thin enough, yes, but I’m also human and riddled with flaws and am still just learning how to take my flaws out for dinner and have a rousing good time, rather than thinking of ways to keep all those body parts hidden. It’s a process. And if I’m really really lucky, then maybe someday you all will see me and my pale ass in a tabloid, frolicking with my hot boyfriend or husband or inappropriately-aged fling in the waves, without a care in the world, ill-fitting bikini sliding down my pasty hips, because really, shouldn’t we all be so lucky?
December 6th, 2007
Clearly there needs to be more talk of television. Clearly.
I am proposing a sort of all-favorites, all-the-time discussion, here in comments. I’ll start with some categories, but pls feel free to ammend and expand, as there is NO SUCH THING as overkill on this particular topic.
Ahem.
So to get us started…
FAVORITE TV MOM: (Elise Keaton)
FAVORITE TV DAD: (Graham Chase, but to be my older and wiser LOVAH forever and ever, not to be my dad)
FAVORITE ENDEARING NERD: (duh, see title.)
RUNNER UP: (Paul Pfeiffer)
FAVORITE SHOW, NOSTALIGIC: (Wonder Years)
FAVORITE SHOW, EVER AND EVER, TLA: (BUFFY!)
VERY CLOSE RUNNER UP: (Freaks & Geeks)
CHARACTER I KINDA WANTED TO BE: (Mallory Keaton, when she was young and had long hair)
CHARACTER I REALLY WANT TO BE: (Veronica Mars. Or maybe Heidi Klum, who I have become obsessed with over the couse of PR2)
BEST TV HOUSE: (the Huxtables’ townhouse. Or, the My Two Dads’ loft. Or Webster’s house with all the secret passage-ways)
BEST ROMANCE: (Angela and Jordan, Buffy & Angel)
BEST FINALE EPISODE I CAN REMEMBER: (tie: The Wonder Years and Six Feet Under)
FAVORITE EPISODE EVER: (Prom episode, Season 3, Buffy)
RUNNER UP: (All of F&G, the one where Angela talks about how Jordan is a good leaner on MSCL, the Simpsons where Lisa runs for Little Miss Springfield, the Seinfeld where they go to India, the bus station episode of Family Ties where Alex and Ellen dance – which Emilie already mentioned, the Sex and the City episode where Carrie breaks up with Big after he goes to Paris and she drunk dials him)
FAVORITE RANDOM LINES: (infinite…pls add as many as you can remember.)
CHARACTER I WOULD MOST WANT TO BE STRANDED ON DESERT ISLAND WITH: (Doug Ross)
BEST CHEMISTRY: (Sculy/Mulder, Jim & Pam on The Office)
BEST DREAM GUY:Â (Jordan Catalano)
BEST DREAM GIRL: (hmmm?)
SUPER FANTASTIC BESTEST MOST GREATEST THING EVER: (When Buffy gets her umbrella)
Please play along and add on!
March 2nd, 2006
Welcome to Not The Oscars, a highly prestigous event in which I get to talk about what I liked, loved and hated in 2004 movies. In case you were wondering, I am wearing a stunning Prouenza Schouler gown w/a little bolero coat and pretty shoes. My hair is good and my accessories are both elegant and funky. I own the red carpet. Shut up, I totally do. And no, I am not in sweat pants and mismatched fuzzy socks. I am lithe and flawless, a modern Audrey Hepburn. Trust me. And enjoy the show!
First up is our host, Mark Ruffalo. Mark Ruffalo will not be giving a monologue. Or announcing winners or presenting awards or making jokes. Or wear a tuxedo. As part of his hosting duties, I have asked Mark Ruffalo to come to my house and cook dinner for me and wear the chunky glasses from “Eternal Sunshine…” Mark Ruffalo is also responsible for discovering and/or creating an alternate universe in which I am not married and neither is he and also I do not have the Backfat, and he and I can make out all the time. As you can see, hosting duties are rigourous and I did not feel comfortable entrusting Not The Oscars to just anyone. But I am confident that you will find Mark Ruffalo to be a gracious and engaging host who may or may not leave his shirt on the whole time.
While Mark Ruffalo fixes me a martini with three olives and then tells me that no, my hair is not growing out awkwardly, let me present the first, um…award. How Did She Get Her Body To Look So Damn Good. Our nominees are: Hillary Swank in “Million Dollar Baby”, Natalie Portman in the strip club scene in “Closer”, Gwyneth Paltrow in The Time I Watched Conan O’Brien And She Was On, Uma Thurman when she kicks BIG TIME ASS in the “Kill Bills”, and Salma Hayak’s boobs. Oh, and also Julie Delpy in “Before Sunset” because that is the greatest movie ever and I want to have coffee with Julie Delpy and talk and talk and say, Girl, tell me ALL about it (even though I know Julie Delpy is not actually Celine), and tell her that I love her hair and that she is sexy and ask if Ethan ever spilled any dirt about Uma.
And the winner is…Uma Thurman! When Julie Delpy and I have our coffee, I will ask if maybe she could call Ethan and find out How Uma Got Her Body To Look Like That, because DAMN she looks good, and I did not expect to like the Kill Bill movies but she won me over big time, and I loved, loved, loved both of them. I think I liked the second one more, because it had more heart, but I loved them and I thought Uma was brilliant and gorgeous and tough and really had no vanity at all and when she sees her daughter at the end of KBII, she breaks my heart because you can just tell that Uma is a mother and that maternal energy came out and she was so good and so strong and HOW LONG ARE HER DAMN LEGS ANYWAY? Congratulations Uma! Mark Ruffalo and I offer you our best wishes! We (at least I) saw Ethan Hawke at a bar one time and I’m pretty sure he weighs less than me, which is a no-no in my book, so I automatically sided with you in the split.
The next category is Movies That I Didn’t Really Like But Watched Because Mark Ruffalo Was In Them. The nominees for best of MTIDRLBWBMRWIT are: We Don’t Live Here Anymore, In The Cut, 13 Going on Thirty, and Collateral (although, to be fair, I liked Collateral pretty well and had no idea Mark Ruffalo was in it. But you can’t have a category with only 3 movies). This was a hard decision to make, because Mark Ruffalo takes his clothes off in both “We Don’t Live Here Anymore” and “In The Cut.” The latter was a piece of shit movie, but it did not make me have a fight with my husband about our relationship and the level of our emotional intimacy, which “We Don’t Live Here Anymore” kind of did. However, in “WDLHA” Mark Ruffalo has babies and goes running and is not a creepy slimy cop, unlike the awful “In The Cut”. And “13 Going on Thirty”…well, do I really need to say anything about it? Hmmm. I think that means I have to give the award to “Collateral” because I actually liked the movie, even though Mark Ruffalo dies in it. Congrats “Collateral!” And speaking of Mark Ruffalo, he is doing an excellent job of hosting, I think. Right now he is wearing a rumpled t-shirt and mumbling, which is my most favorite thing for Mark Ruffalo to do because he is very, very sexy when he wears rumpled t-shirts and mumbles (see, “You Can Count On Me, “Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind” and even the craptastic “13 Going on Thirty”).
Why Can’t Every Movie Be Like This Movie is the next category, and the nominees are: “Before Sunset”, “Before Sunset,” “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, “Before Sunset” and “Wonder Boys.” I know “Wonder Boys” was not out this year, and in fact was out many, many years ago, but I love it so, and I have a HUGE crush of Robert Downey Jr. (so much so that I even love the Elton John video and song, “I Want Love,” because yes, it’s actually a good song, but the entire video is RDJ walking around looking tortured, and in case you have not picked up on it yet, me likes the tortured men with the dark hair and rumpled t-shirts. Rescue fantasies, blah blah blah…). “Wonder Boys” also has an awesome soundtrack and the best performace EVER by Michael Douglas, AND it has the glorious Frances MacDormand and Tobey Maguire (tortured dark-haired actor-in-training) and it’s funny and warm and makes me want to go to the library. Whatever that means. But, “Before Sunset” was nominated three times, which makes it hard to beat. And let’s not forget “Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind”, which broke my heart and has Beck on the soundtrack and has Kate Winslet in one of the greatest performances ever. This is a tough category. Mark Ruffalo and I are going to go talk about it in the shower…
And the winner is “Before Sunset”! The competition was tough, but Mark Ruffalo did not think it was fair that a movie he was in should win, even though it was so, so, SO good, and even though he danced in his underwear in it. But also, Mark Ruffalo agrees with me that sometimes action is overrated and a movie existing soley of two people talking is such a good idea! Mark Ruffalo thinks relationships are fascniating and wants to come over on a rainy day and watch “Before Sunrise” and “Before Sunset” back to back with me, and we both think that “Before Sunset” was just perfect. We thought Julie Delpy’s apartment deserved an award of it’s own, for Most Realistic Living Space Ever Created For A Character, and really the only other competitors in that category are apartments in Woody Allen movies. But “Before Sunset” was exactly the kind of movie I adore because it seemed very real and I felt a little uncomfortable in parts because it was like I was eavesdropping and there was chemistry and I love Julie Delpy and I think she is brilliant and so is Celine, who knew exactly what she was doing.
Mark Ruffalo makes a good martini. And the next category is Movies In Which I Totally Fell Asleep. The nominees are “Ray” (TOTALLY fell asleep), “The Manchurian Candidate” (totally fell asleep but at least the sleep put me out of the misery that was this film”, “The Incredibles” (fell asleep, which pissed me off because I really wanted to see it and the bits I saw were so, so good), “Van Helsing” (appallingly bad), and pretty much anything movie we watched at home on a Friday night. I do that. All the time. And then I wake up cranky and pissy and I am hateful that I have to wake up in order to wash my face and brush my teeth and then go to bed proper. The winner is “The Incredibles” by a landslide because it was GOOD and the others were BAD, and I need to re-rent it and watch the rest of it.
The next-to-last category is Gah, Just Go Away Already, and there is just one nominee although some others were nearly included (“Findhing Neverland”, Kirsten Dunst, Shrek, the fact that I just saw a billboard for “Miss Congeniality 2″…) The winner is “Ray”, because GAH, just go away already. I cannot believe it was nominated for all those other awards because it was the most boring movie I have seen in a long time and while Jamie Foxx did an excellent job, Regina King did a better one and also, impersonating and acting are not the same thing and I cannot forgive anyone for taking any awards out from under Paul Giamatti (unless it was Mark Ruffalo), and so while I think Jamie Foxx is great, Gah, just go away already. Plus, you were better in Collateral. Heroin, cheating, music, blah blah blah. Good movie maybe, but did it make my heart flip-flop? No. Did it make me want to have sex with Clive Owen? No. Was either Gwyneth or Hillary Swank in it, and if so, were they pretty? No and no. So Gah, etc…
And now it’s time for our final award! Your host Mark Ruffalo thanks you for being here with us, and is going to feed me some cheesecake now. Also, he said I look best when I am wearing sweatpants and no makeup. I love Mark Ruffalo. But the awards! This is the biggest award of the evening (er, post?) and it’s called The Greatest Thing I Saw On Screen Last Year. The nominees are: Mark Ruffalo getting high and dancing with Kirsten Dunst in Eternal Sunshine; Kate Winslet and Jim Carrey in almost every scene of Eternal Sunshine; The last scene of “Before Sunset”; Julia Roberts and Clive Owen breaking up in “Closer”; the naked guy chasing after the car in “Sideways”, Virginia Madsen’s monologue in “Sideways”, all the wine and food in “Sideways”; Vince Vaughn in “Anchorman” because I love him and am always happy to see Vince Vaughn. Mark Ruffalo and I give you a drumroll…
And the winner! Is the last scene in “Before Sunset”! It is the greatest thing EVER and I fell in love with Julie Delpy when she did her Nina Simone for Ethan Hawke, and it was perfect, perfect, perfect. She went from cute to sexy in about .3 seconds and you totally saw Ethan Hawke’s heart break and you saw him give up or give in and “Baby, you are gonna miss that plane,” is the greatest last line of a movie EVER! EVER!!!
Sigh. Mark Ruffalo and I are going to watch “Before Sunset” on InDemand and order some Thai food. We will see you next year!
February 28th, 2005