Oh The Humiliation
May 20th, 2009
I was once asked, in one of those getting-to-know-you-flirty-email-banter sessions, Which is worse: bad sex or a bad haircut. HAIRCUT, I answered immediately. It’s very, very hard to shake a bad haircut. Bad hair clings to you. Bad hair follows you around all day. Bad hair can ruin everything.
I recently got a bad haircut. Not one of those “Oh, it’s a quarter of an inch shorter than I wanted and WOE IS ME” bad haircuts but a legitimately bad cut, both in style and execution. And the thing was, I knew it was going to be a bad cut before I even walked into the salon; I just had a feeling. I had intended to bring several photos from a magazine, but I forgot them. I had an appointment with one stylist and upon arrival discovered he had called in sick and I agreed to see someone else. I ASKED FOR BLUNT BANGS. You see how easily something like this could have happened.
I live with a very nice man who will sometimes tease me about my hair (BECAUSE IT IS THE BANE OF MY EXISTANCE) but made it clear that he doesn’t really care what my hair looks like. You know I don’t care what your hair looks like, right? he said.
I, however, care very much. Very much indeed.
The bad haircut has grown out a bit, which is good. It’s unfortunately grown out into a news anchor/soccer mom hybrid-bob with a tendency to flip up at the ends, so that it looks both dated and matronly. (It was a really bad haircut.) I am trying to go a bit longer before my next haircut, hoping that any added length will be helpful in the re-constructive-styling phase.
The bad haircut has led to a dip in self-esteem. The other morning I struggled with the hair dryer while my hot, steamy bathroom (a tiny tiled box, really) conspired against me and my hair, and I moaned and yanked and ponytailed and then I changed outfits once or twice until finally stumbling into the living room where D. and Tuesday waited patiently for me so that we could all take our morning pre-work walk. I AM HAVING A ROUGH GO OF IT, I announced. What’s wrong? asked D. MY HAIR MY CLOTHES I HAVE NO OUTFITS I HATE THE BANGS, I said.
Maybe you should get some new outfits? D. suggested. I sputtered and tugged at my too-tight black pants and brushed the hated bangs out of my eyes.
This morning I vowed not to let my hair get the better of me but still the ends, they flip up. ALL OVER, they flip up. I threw on a black sundress, pulled on a cardigan, smoothed my hair back into a pathetic little nub of a ponytail and said to the mirror, Fuck it.
I would not say I am an especially vain person. I am certainly not without vanity, and I have been on occasion totally incapacitated by a random case of Ugly (it happens every now and then, one of those inexplicable phenomenon by which nothing specific is altered or different yet somehow everything, face hair all of it, looks Wrong), but I’m more than willing to go out in the world looking like my usual rumpled self. I like my usual rumpled self, most days.
(True story: last week I wore a dressy button-down shirt tucked into pants one day and when I passed a co-worker in the hall she said, Oh, you look so nice and adult-like! and then she leaned closer and pointed out a stain on the placket of my crisp, white shirt.)
BUT THE HAIR OH THE HAIR HAS BESTED ME.
Internet, how do you cope? (Don’t say barrettes.) I like to think that I am a secure, well-adjusted woman who feels hot because of my sheer awesomeness, but lately I just want to tell strangers LOOK AWAY I’M HIDDDDEEEEOUS.
And that is why a bad haircut is far worse than bad sex.
Entry Filed under: General
18 Comments Add your own
1. Lindsey | May 20th, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Sunglasses (big ones) and red lipstick go a long long way to combat a severe case of the Uglies.
2. Jenn | May 20th, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I just paid way too much money for a bad haircut AND color in a tone I like to call “my natural, boring brown.” Also, I look like Leather Tuskadero with my crappy laying in my thin hair. Grr
Anyway, I think the tiny ponytail is your best bet while growing it out. Maybe you can clip it up into something chic, as well? Headband?
3. whoorl | May 20th, 2009 at 7:17 pm
I know you want some more length, but MOLLY, you need to have it fixed by a worthy stylist. Just the tiniest bit of tweaking can make it look OH SO MUCH better, you know? (Although, is it really that bad? Really??)
4. mollykath | May 20th, 2009 at 7:47 pm
Internet, I might need to post a picture and solicit advice. Might. I am not big on posting pics (dur) but we might need an open panel discussion.
5. Brandi | May 20th, 2009 at 9:56 pm
I feel your pain. The worst decision I made in 2008 – bangs. 6 months later and they are still growing out! Bobby pins have helped. I think you need to post a picture so we know what we’re dealing with.
6. alison | May 20th, 2009 at 10:47 pm
i’m with whoorl – maybe see if someone else can work with it.
in the meantime, i think large quantities of wine (hard liquor, beer, whatever works best for you) might be the answer.
and totally agreed. bad haircut is much worse than bad sex.
7. wee | May 21st, 2009 at 12:08 am
Oh hair.
In March days before my 30 birthday (and BIG party) I was in her chair, with perfect color and perfect straightness and she cocked her head and said, “You need bangs.”
“I don’t do bangs.” was my reply.
“Evs.” she glared.
I have beautiful, fun. flirty, blunt bangs. I can do them myself. I don’t need make up with them. Come to LA and let Erika save you.
It’s worth the trip and she’s seriously affordable. What’s one little trip to LA, if you relish your reflection? Hang in there Molly!
xoxo, Jes
hollywood bang (if my code is good)
8. Dawn | May 21st, 2009 at 12:17 am
On the hair, I just gave up and grew it out so I could put it up all the time. Happily, I now live in a city where PolarFleece and jeans is the local uniform, so it totally works for me.
I say go into a stylist and ask to get it fixed SOON. A good stylist can tell you if they can fix it now or if you need more length on it first. You at least owe it to yourself to get the professional opinion.
9. Laurie | May 21st, 2009 at 9:29 am
If one can stand the vise-like grip, I think headbands, elastic or otherwise, cover a multitude of hair sins. Then again, without a photo, it’s hard to say.
10. Lindsey | May 21st, 2009 at 10:04 am
take the prenatal vitamins–i swear it makes your hair grow faster. also, internet, be advised: molly looks like jennifer connelly. i would love to look like her even with a bad haircut and on an Ugly day!
11. Heide | May 21st, 2009 at 12:58 pm
Molly, I agree with some of the girls. I would go get a touch up. I think that when the stylists cut hair that they can cut it so that it will give more flip. So a tad off the end could potentially remedy your filppy style.
Oh and I agree, Bobby Pins have saved my life.
12. Jecca | May 21st, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Only a man would ever ask that question re: haircut v. sex. Ridiculous.
I’m with wee: fly to the west coast. That’s what I’m doing in June. Sure, I’ll be seeing friends, eating good Mexican food and sushi, enjoying the weather, but I will also be getting my hair done.
Call me if you ever contemplate bangs again. Bangs and curly hair are just not a good idea.
On a more practical note for the moment: I’d just wear it up all the time.
13. hannah | May 21st, 2009 at 8:38 pm
You need to come out to LA and see MJ who will not only fix your bangs, but will spend extra time with you showing you how to deal with them and trim them yourself and exactly how to manage the cowlick that has been the bane of your existence since you were in utero. (Seriously, I am pretty sure if they took an ultrasound of me it would have included me fretting over that cowlick, a cowlick I haven’t thought about apart from five seconds in the morning for over a year now.)
14. Aneets | May 22nd, 2009 at 6:26 am
I feel your pain, I got a fringe (or bangs as you guys call them) trim earlier in the week and they cut them way too short and now I feel like super gluing them to my forehead or something so they magically appear longer. Ugh.
15. mandy | May 22nd, 2009 at 7:02 am
we must see a picture to see just how bad it is
16. Margaret | May 23rd, 2009 at 8:19 am
You have convinced me that a bad haircut is worse than bad sex. Two days before my 20th high school reunion, I went to a new stylists (I’d just moved) and she butchered my trademark long locks. I was voted Best Hair my senior year and we devastated that I’d show up at the reunion looking like I’d run through a hatchet wielding car wash to get my hair trimmed.
I survived. Barely. Ponytails. Coors Light.
17. Maya | May 26th, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Hmmm…well considering that bad sex (as opposed to a bad hair cut) is the only thing you can a)stop in the middle b) try to improve by yourself- I’d say bad haircut is way worse. I have only ever had haircuts that leave me “meh”, but even those are best remedied by copious amounts of drinks and a trip to even the same stylist to say, hey, this is NOT what I wanted, if you’d like repeat business/referrals, please fix it or send me to someone who can. A good stylist will do their best.
18. Kerri Anne | June 3rd, 2009 at 3:34 pm
The last time I went to this place that specializes in curly hair (Devachan) I said I wasn’t going back to the girl that cut my hair. I go to the Beehive Salon in Williamsburg and a guy named Jeffrey gave me a fantastic cut.
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